unfinished business

This morning I was talking to a friend about what I’ll call “unfinished business” for the sake of this post.


I’ve never been the kind of person to let go of things easily. I’m quick to forgive and even quicker to apologize (including when I’m not in the wrong), but if this year has shown me anything about myself, it’s that I have a hard time letting things go. This is something I already knew about myself; it’s the same reason I can’t help but reach out to old friends and old loves long after our relationship has ended, and it’s the same reason I write posts like this.

If there’s anything I never wanted to be, it’s someone who can’t move on. I hate being the person who dwells on the past long after we’ve moved into the future, but sometimes that’s just who I am. That being said, I think sometimes being the person who still remembers the old times–and has trouble letting them go–has its benefits.

For one, I tend to see things through rose-colored glasses…most of the time. While this isn’t always a good thing, it helps me remember the good in people even when all that’s left is bad. It reminds me of a great time I had with Person A or the way Person B always made me happy when we did such-and-such.

That being said, those rose-colored glasses can be a huge pain in the ass. They sometimes make me forget the reason for the relationship ending in the first place–something I should definitely remember in order to protect myself. Those glasses make me open myself up to being hurt again by people I shouldn’t have trusted in the first place. They make me feel like there is always some sort of unfinished business lying around–a reason to try to pursue a relationship with that person again even when it’s really not worth pursuing.

Actually having or just thinking I have unfinished business makes me wonder what’s left to fix instead of thinking about what I need to let go of. It can, understandably, be exhausting and oftentimes not worth it.

Regardless of the pros and cons of always trying to fix the past or rewrite history, I’m going to try to make it a resolution for the upcoming year to stop worrying so much about the past and focus more on living in the present. I’m always infinitely jealous of people who can move on completely and with no hard feelings when they’ve been burned or who can live their life without stressing over those who aren’t a part of their life anymore, but I’ve never been that kind of person.

Then again, maybe with a change of heart, I could be.


Filed under Personal, Thoughts

bumpdate: 27 weeks

How far along: 27 weeks today

Mom: I’m pretty exhausted, as usual, but the worst I’ve had to deal with is terrible heartburn (another as usual) and getting to that point where things start to get pretty uncomfortable–things like bending over or trying to pick Isla up. I’ve had one or two days where I’ve woke up with pretty bad hip pain, but I’m good other than that. Overall, I’d say it’s definitely been an easy and uneventful pregnancy so far. Let’s hope it stays that way!

Dad: Dad is busy studying, studying, studying. Language has taken a lot out of him so far, but his class is two weeks shorter than a normal language class due to the holidays, so they have a lot of time to make up for. I would say he’s excited for Leo to arrive, but I don’t think he’s jumping up and down for joy. This pregnancy is a lot different than my pregnancy with Isla, but maybe that’s because we have a toddler running around and don’t get to come up for air much. This weekend he is planning on building picture frames and floating shelves to finish up the nursery, so we’ll see how that goes. Can’t wait to post pictures!

Baby: Leo is roughly 14 1/2 inches and a under or over two pounds (depending on who you ask) which seems super crazy to me. Isla was 8 lbs 5 oz when born, and for some reason just over six pounds seems like nothing. I still have some time left (12 weeks and 4 days until my c-section, but who’s counting?) but it seems to be flying, especially with the holidays right around the corner. We just can’t wait to meet this little guy!

The Bump: definitely exists, and it seems to be getting bigger pretty quickly. I went from feeling completely fine to super uncomfortable bending over in what feels like a day. It’s not unmanageable yet, but I know we’ll get there in just a few weeks’ time.

Sleep: I have the hardest time falling asleep lately, but once I’m asleep, I’m asleep most of the night, minus changing positions a couple times throughout.

Cravings/Aversions: Cheese, cinnamon waffles, and apple cider. I try to limit the cider because of heartburn, but I could eat like 40 pieces of string cheese a day if that wasn’t completely disgusting.

Gender: Boy

Missing: Nothing, really. Maybe just doing things like washing the floor without feeling like I’m going to pull a muscle or go into labor.

Looking forward to: The holidays. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and as soon as that’s over there’s basically a little over a month until Leo’s arrival. So exciting!

Best moment this week: Isla has really started talking–sentences and all–and I’ve been loving that. She also lied to us for the first time last Saturday, on Halloween, but it was hilarious. She spit her milk on the floor and when questioned (I asked if she spit milk on the floor), she held her baby up and said, “She spit milk. She baby. She spit milk.” Two days ago Dom and I got her up from her nap and she had pulled her lotion off the dresser and distributed some on the floor. Dom asked her what happened. She said, “She baby. She made mess.” Today she pulled off her diaper, shit in her pajamas, and then spread the shit throughout the room. (Did I mention toddlers are awesome? Not.) I walked in and she immediately said, “Uh oh. Yuck. Baby pee-peed.” She said all of this while pointing to the very obvious mess. It wasn’t necessarily the “best” moment this week, but it was all hilarious.

Symptoms: Getting pretty uncomfortable, terrible heartburn, exhaustion, and an achy body. That’s about it which is a huge improvement from my last pregnancy.

Movement: So much. I love it. He’s forever treating my womb like a jungle gym and I’m sure it’s going to hurt pretty soon, but he’s all over the place and has been since very early on, so I’m soaking it all in.

Happy or moody: Pretty happy though I do find myself getting tired of people’s shit much quicker than normal. I also feel myself getting pretty sassy and should probably cool it. In general, though, I feel pretty happy–I’m just wanting to spend more time by myself or with just Dom and Isla. I’m content.

Purchases for baby: Nothing until I basically lost my mind at Target yesterday. I went in for headbands for Isla and left with headbands, food pouches, and some pom pom garland for Isla/her room, a really cute plaid maternity shirt, a small rug for the kitchen, and for Leo I got a pillow and blanket for his rocker and a lamp for the floating shelves going up this weekend. My friend Emily also brought over an extra changing pad she had which I’m pretty happy about. We’ve finished a lot so far, but we still have a few things to complete like building the shelves and frames, hanging those/the pictures, and whatever else comes to mind as the months go on. I’ll update with photos as it’s completed! In the meantime, it’s looking like this so far in one corner of the room:


Advice/Commentary from others: Really the only thing are annoying comments about how I’ll never do X, Y, and Z when Leo is born or how such-and-such will be harder when he arrives. Duh, and bye.


Filed under Leo, Pregnancy

essena o’neill + doing what i like


This week a story went viral about a social media star, for lack of a better description, named Essena O’Neill. After building up a rather large following on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, etc. for several years, she decided to quit social media out of the blue, calling it fake and discussing that behind every photo of those who “have it all” online, there is a back story. She deleted over 2000 photos and edited previous captions to shed light on what really happened “behind the scenes” of each photo (for example, how much she was paid to post a photo of herself in a particular dress/bikini or what she did to appear sexier, happier, or to have an all-around better life than the average Joe).

After watching a few minutes of her YouTube video and reading a couple different stories, O’Neill got me thinking. While I’m not totally buying what she’s selling (since posting her videos, she has asked for money because she “can’t support her lifestyle” and would like you to donate what you think her insight is “worth to you,” she repeats over and over again that she’s won the genetic lottery, so duh, obviously you want to Google her since-deleted Instagram pictures, and she has actually gained followers, etc.), I do think she had a few pretty good points. She mentions on her website taking a week off from social media and enjoying the world around you–an idea that isn’t entirely new to any of us, but that most of us avoid doing because we just can’t or don’t want to give it all up. Between that and a few other points she made, all I could think about was what I enjoy doing simply because I like it. If I took a week off from all social media–Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Snapchat, Pinterest, the whole shebang–how would I spend my time? What activities do I love not because I think they are trendy or because a photo of them would get a lot of likes on Instagram or because other people enjoy doing them? What do I like doing?

This seems an easy enough question to answer. You may be reading this and think I’m crazy for even having to ask–that you would never be caught up doing something because other people like it, but that would be a lie. In the age of sharing anything and everything the minute it happens, we all subconsciously (or consciously) worry about other people’s opinions, and social media only makes it easier for that to happen. I never do something and post a picture or status about it to purposefully see who likes it and I never consciously alter what I’m doing during any given day because other people like doing it, but I know that it happens. I’m not naive enough to pretend it doesn’t affect me. Whether I mean to or not, my perspective is changed by things other people like, whether on social media or in real life.

And so I started making a mental list of the things that I do not because of anyone else’s influence, but simply because they make me happy. Things that have nothing to do with social media and everything to do with my “real life.”

Here’s what I came up with: I like yoga, hiking, and going for walks, especially at the park, and especially with the dogs. I love writing, though I don’t do it for pleasure nearly enough. I love spending time with Dom and Isla, and it really doesn’t matter what we’re doing. I like going for long drives that begin with a cup of coffee and end with Dom and I having talked for hours about things we didn’t even realize were on our minds. I love decorating our house and curling up with a new book–or my old favorites. I love trying new restaurants or making new recipes, especially if I’m baking. I like going to the movies. I love talking about books and movies. I love traveling, but I prefer doing it if we’re only a few hours from home. I like buying freshly cut flowers, and I love mornings when Dom, Isla, and I sleep in, lounge around the house, and end up going somewhere we had no plans for and it being just the three of us.

Despite knowing the things I love doing simply for me, I also know that I spend way too much time scrolling through Instagram and liking photos of what everyone else is doing. I spend a lot of mornings laying in bed before Isla is awake watching YouTube videos or reading reviews about random things–makeup, clothes, etc.–on blogs. Even when I don’t realize I’m trying something new or doing or saying something simply because I want other people to notice or because of others’ opinions on that particular thing, I still do it. We all do. And while a lot of O’Neill’s video is her repeating the same things and (sorry) whining, she really is on to something. And she isn’t the first person who has been walking down the right path. We all forget what’s really going on behind the perfect photo, and almost all of us let the idea of looking put together online get in the way of living our real lives, being our true selves, or remembering what we love to do–what makes us who we are.

I’m not saying we should be like those awful people who whine incessantly or throw out all their business on Facebook, but next time you find yourself jealous of something someone has or what they are doing, take the time to remember what you love doing and what makes you genuinely, truly happy–not what you think is supposed to make you happy. Make a list of your favorite things, log out of Instagram, and go do something for yourself.

Or, if you’re feeling ballsy, give that week off thing a try. And let me know how it goes.

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Filed under Social Media, Thoughts

a little late to the game: pregnancy bumpdate, because why not

So my friend Anamarie does baby updates every week and I figure I might as well do at least one blog post related to pregnancy while I’m pregnant. Also, since I forget everything every single day, this might help me remember in later years. Here goes.

How far along: 25 weeks, 4 days. Scheduled for a c-section in exactly 14 weeks! Hard to believe.

Mom: I’m feeling great with very few complaints other than really annoying heartburn and some serious exhaustion–like, a new level. I’m also having crazy dreams (about grocery stores, ex-boyfriends, sky diving, etc.), but that’s not too far from the norm for me. I have some good stuff going on with work and am enjoying soaking up lots of solo time with Isla before there are two little ones dividing my attention.

Dad: Lots and lots and lots of studying. He’s in a language course right now and it’s proving to be just as or more intense than we expected. Fortunately, the days aren’t too long and we get to relax together when the studying is over. I’m sure that break from work for him when Leo gets here is going to be much needed!

Baby: The kicks are crazy already and have been for weeks! I feel like he’s constantly doing backflips or wiggling around. It’s definitely something I missed from being pregnant with Isla. Since we are nearing 26 weeks, he’s getting close to 14 inches and 1 2/3 pounds. Seems pretty tiny compared to Isla’s final 8 lbs 5 oz, but he’ll get there! We are just so excited for him to be with us (once he’s big and healthy enough, of course).

The Bump: is large and in charge. Obviously nowhere near what it will be, but my belly button is starting to poke out (ugh) and I’m getting to the point that shaving or bending over feelings like serious work. Another observation is that the bump is SO much lower this time than it was with Isla. I mean, my boobs aren’t resting on it, so that’s cool.

Sleep: Still happening, but if Dom even comes somewhat near me when sleeping (and he sleeps like a spider monkey–totally wrapped around me) I feel like I’m suffocating to death and will surely die. I don’t wake up for bathroom breaks at night at all really except on rare occasions, but I sometimes wake up and end up wide awake at like 4am for no reason at all. So that sucks. I’m totally, completely exhausted during the day, and I think it’s a combination of being pregnant with a boy, chasing a toddler, and working fro home. Or we’ll pretend that’s what it’s from. I easily take two-to-three-hour naps during the day.

Cravings/Aversions: Iced vanilla coffee from McDonald’s. Terrible but I don’t care. Last week I really wanted York Peppermint Patties and cheeseburgers. This week I want pasta. I always want sushi even though I’m not technically supposed to eat it. My aversions are pretty much the same as they have been all of this pregnancy–fish, chicken, or any kind of meat that isn’t mixed with bread or pasta.

Gender: Boy

Missing: Shaving my legs without a huge amount of effort, not constantly being out of breath, doing squats without feeling like my vagina is going to fall off (but let’s be real–exercise is far and few right now except for walks), and not being exhausted 24/7.

Looking forward to: Isla seeing her brother for the first time. When I think about it I could easily burst into tears from happiness.

Best moment this week: We’ve had a really rough couple of weeks but my favorite moment as of recently was probably playing with Isla and Dom at the playground at the mall. So ghetto but I don’t even care. I love seeing the two of them together.

Symptoms: Heartburn like crazy. I’m forever miserable from that, even with medicine. Exhaustion. Starting to get swollen hands and feet after our evening walks. Crazy dreams. Other than those few things, I’m feeling great! This pregnancy has been approximately one thousand times better than Isla’s.

Movement: Leo is a total wiggle worm. He definitely takes advantage of the time he’s awake. I see a fun playmate in Isla’s future. And he moves EVERYWHERE–hands, feet, and basically his entire body are constantly doing something.

Happy or Moody: It’s actually been a pretty sad two weeks but given everything we’ve been dealing with, I’d say I’m fairly happy with a few bad days in between.

Purchases for baby: Prints for his walls that came in and I absolutely love. I think that’s the only thing this week. I can’t wait to hang them!

Advice/Commentary from others: Nothing too noticeable. I think people are definitely noticing that my belly is getting pretty big, but nothing has been mentioned that makes me feel awkward or annoyed.

Overall, we are just so excited! Only 14 weeks to go until he makes his debut.


Filed under Family, Leo, Pregnancy

currently | fall


So I’ve clearly really been failing hard in the blogging department. Since I have several topics I could write about but no real motivation to dig into any of those deeply, a currently update it is.

Fall is absolutely my favorite time of year. At the moment we’re in the midst of potty training (kill me now) so I’m not able to enjoy it as much because we haven’t left the house in days, but I’m using this weekend as a kick off for what is very obviously the best season. Baking, spending time outdoors without melting, holidays, food, festivals, leaves changing, amazing candles from Bath & Body Works, and it being almost time to put Christmas lights up make for one happy girl.

LOVING: All the things I just mentioned, but my favorite thing right now is definitely the changing weather. I’m an Ohio girl through and through when it comes to the weather and therefore NOT a fan of North Carolina’s extreme heat, so these 70-degree days are really making my life better. I want to wear all the fall clothes. I also love the release of all the seasonal products–makeup, scents, sweaters (not seasonal, but you know…), home decor, food, and even music. Makes me so happy.

READING: I’m really behind on reading at the moment and promised myself I would read 24 books this year. It’s October and I’m up to 19 if you count those I’ve edited. I’m going to start rereading the Harry Potter series since I haven’t read them in years and we own them. (It’s been pretty difficult to get to the library lately with our schedule.) I should definitely get going on that.

WATCHING: The Affair which is definitely my favorite show at the moment, though I hate Noah. We’re also into Scream Queens, Family Guy, The Blacklist, The Killing (which makes me cry like a baby because #emotions), and probably a lot of others that I can’t remember right now.

ANTICIPATING: Leo’s arrival in February, but since that’s still awhile away, let’s go with the holidays. I love ’em.

LISTENING TO: Ryan Adams’ cover of 1989, a lot of Macklemore because Isla loves him, and my playlists on Spotify. My 1904 playlist is on repeat most of the time and I’m forever adding new songs to it.

PLANNING: The launch of my freelance website which is REALLY behind. Like, so behind. Like…we probably-shouldn’t-even-talk-about-it behind. I need to get on this. It’s sort of a weekend goal if I can decide on a layout and I’ll make a post notifying the world when it’s launched. Dom and I are also planning a bunch of house projects. Leo’s closet should be done this weekend and I want to get a lot of things crossed off our to-do list like budgeting for November, getting a list of baby purchases together, finishing the rest of our Christmas list of things we’re getting for other people (which is almost done), and that’s probably it for the next few days. At least 99% of Leo’s clothes have been purchased and will be washed and hung this weekend after the closet is finished!

WORKING ON: Gaining new freelance clients, editing a new book starting tomorrow, and my website. Really gotta get on that.

WISHING: The weather would strictly feel like fall. No more of these random 80-degree days. I want the air conditioning off!

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Filed under Updates

the things you should never beg for


I can’t tell you how many times in the past I’ve begged for things — forgiveness from those I’ve wronged, love and affection from those who didn’t want to give it, and second chances when I’ve really made a mistake. Sometimes when I think of the past I’m reminded of the quote about Egyptians having fifty words for sand and Eskimos having a hundred words for snow and I think of all the words I’ve used to say I’m sorry or convince someone to stay. Even at 25, I’m practically an expert on words and apologies. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m the first person to admit when I’ve royally fucked something up or when I’ve let people down. That being said, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past six months, it’s when to stop begging. To stop talking. To stop caring if someone has read my Facebook message trying to rekindle what’s broken, and to stop worrying about mending the past.

But it hasn’t come easy, and it will likely come with a price.

When I find myself in the midst of heartache, I have a tendency to look back and think the relationship or situation, quite frankly, to death. I overanalyze every word, every moment, every song that played on the radio during the week it all went down. Whether with high school flames or ex-friends, it doesn’t make a difference. I think so deeply that I wind up hoping I can change it — change their opinion, change their heart, change their mind. I can deal with confrontation, but I have a really hard time with the finality that the end of a friendship or relationship brings. When I take action, it usually comes in the written form, mostly because I’m best on paper. And that written word ends up romanticizing the situation after I’ve thought about it endlessly, and before I know it, I’m begging for forgiveness and offering up my services. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes.

But in just the past few months, I’ve finally realized how ridiculous that all is.

Because sometimes it isn’t my fault.

Sometimes I gain more from the end of the friendship than I did from the friendship itself.

Sometimes I need to realize that if they wanted to be around, they would be.

Sometimes there’s nothing to apologize for.

With all of these things — love, affection, forgiveness, and second chances — people give them if they want to, not because you asked, and definitely not because you begged. When someone wants you in their life, they make the effort to be a part of yours.

And if they don’t? Even if you’ve begged and pleaded, apologized, hoped, and prayed…well, sometimes we just need to learn how to say fuck it.

If someone wants to love you, show you affection, accept your apology or make one themselves, or give or ask for a second chance, they will. And if they don’t, put one foot in front of the other and make an effort in your friendships that actually matter.

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on growing our family


I debated about telling the story of this part of our life, but I’m generally an open book, so I can’t imagine not sharing. It’s the same reason most people I know are aware of my stomach condition, know about our crazy labor and emergency c-section to bring Isla into this world, and aren’t hidden to most parts of our life. I don’t like secrets, so there’s no sense in keeping this one. (And sorry if you don’t like TMI. If that’s the case, you should probably stop reading now.)

At the beginning of the year, Dom and I decided we were going to get off the pill and start trying for a little brother or sister for Isla. We’ve always wanted two (or three) kids, and we always wanted them close enough in age that they could have a relationship like I have with my sisters. We weren’t really hiding the fact that we were trying from those who asked, but we haven’t been advertising it on social media, either.

For a couple of months, all was going well. My body was seemingly regulating, I was feeling better than I had in a long time, and though I was nervous for the journey to come, I was excited more than anything else. I got pregnant so easily with Isla that I naively thought I would be seeing two pink lines by April and baby number two would have a birthday close to their big sister’s. Fairytale complete? Check.

When April came, I was late. It was right around my mom’s birthday — the same day we found out we were pregnant with Isla a few years ago — and I thought I was pregnant again. I had many of the symptoms and it took everything in me not to take a test. That being said, I’m not the most patient person in the world, so I did take a test. And another one. And another one. I just knew something was up, but they were all negative. My friends and I talked about how the tests had to be wrong because why else would I have so many symptoms? My less optimistic friends — especially those who had experienced infertility and its treatment — gently warned me that maybe this cycle was a fluke. Maybe I didn’t ovulate. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Just because you’re late doesn’t mean you’re pregnant.

A week went by and I had a doctor’s appointment, my yearly pap. While there, I told my doctor what was going on. Blood work was ordered, and this included a beta (blood pregnancy test). He didn’t think I was pregnant and discussed with me the few things it could be instead, but, optimistic as I am, I still hoped for a positive test. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted the plan I had thought out in my head to come to light.

A few days later, my tests came back, and I was not pregnant. That being said, my other levels were off. I had a high prolactin result — a level that was back to normal a week later — and a high FSH result. High enough that it almost indicated pre menopause. This result is determined by where you’re at in your cycle (and we didn’t know where I was), but my doctor still seemed to focus on it quite a bit. I’m not great with all things related to the human body, so I didn’t worry too much. Plus, I’m hopelessly and relentlessly optimistic. Like everything else, I assumed it was a fluke. A mistake. A false negative. My doctor ended up putting me on Provera (a hormonal withdrawal pill that induces your period) that I was to take for ten days. Within seven days after that pill (and already almost two months past when my period was due), I was supposed to start my period.

And then I didn’t. And then I found out I have secondary infertility.

I went in for another blood draw yesterday and had a long conversation with my doctor. In a nutshell (omitting plenty of details), we are still waiting for blood results and will know by Friday (Monday at the very latest), but my doctor is fairly certain that given my results for the past couple months and many additional symptoms I am having, I have premature ovarian failure, otherwise known as primary ovarian insufficiency, or POI. This can be caused by any number of things, but after speaking with my doctor and from the research I’ve done on my own, it looks like it could be because of my autoimmune disease (ulcerative colitis)…or something different all together. In short and if the results I will get back later this week are consistent with what they were previously, I will likely not be able to get pregnant again without doing IVF and using donor eggs. Skip Clomid and go directly to the worst-case scenario. Do not collect $200.

With all of the recent information, we’ve had a lot to think about. Depending on what my doctor says when he calls, we have some options. If the results come back as he expects they will, we can get a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and discuss treatment options. As POI has a very low chance of pregnancy no matter what and Clomid generally won’t help, we would go straight to IVF, most likely with donor eggs. The real deal. The incredibly expensive, hardly-any-insurance-covers-it deal. The our-insurance-doesn’t-cover-it deal. The deal that, like all infertility treatment, isn’t guaranteed…and costs thousands and thousands of dollars for ONE round. It’s enough to make you light headed.

If results come back favorable, we could do Clomid. We could take 3-6 rounds, monitored, and we could then move on to IVF if that didn’t work. We could potentially use my eggs, and we would have some months of scheduled everything in order to make infertility work with our life.

But that isn’t what we want.

After watching one of my best friends suffer emotionally and more through infertility and its treatment, we knew that it wasn’t for us. After initially speaking with my doctor, I thought I would do whatever it took. I would find donor eggs, I would go through as many IVF rounds as the RE would allow, I would risk the miscarriages and the heartache and the uncertainty. I would do it all. I wouldn’t question it, I wouldn’t look back, and I wouldn’t second guess myself. Isla WOULD have and share flesh and blood with a little brother or sister, and we would make it work. But then I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t what we wanted. That wasn’t the hand we’d been dealt or the card we were meant to play.

If we didn’t have such an incredible little girl already, then maybe treatment would be for us. Maybe we’d push and pull and tug all aspects of our life until they fit the mold of “Parents Going Through Infertility Treatment in Search of a Baby.” But we do have Isla, and we just aren’t the type of people who can imagine our lives being so dictated by the scary world of infertility treatment. We want to focus on our little girl instead of the what ifs. Realizing this initially made me feel guilty. What mother who wants more than one child of her own wouldn’t do anything and everything to make that happen? Why would I turn down the chance to do treatment when some women don’t have that chance at all? What was wrong with me?

But then Dom and I looked at Isla and we looked at our life and we knew that wasn’t our journey. It wouldn’t be our road to walk down.

By no means was this an easy decision. It came with a lot of tears and anxiety, but we’ve decided that we will not try to get pregnant again or anymore in the future. If it happens by some crazy meant-to-be situation, then we will be ecstatic, but trying for it isn’t our plan.

A lot of this decision stems on what I just mentioned, but some of it also comes from fear. After a good pregnancy with our girl but a terrible year of following it (including a horrible emergency c-section with an infection and fever, mastitis so severe it turned into abscesses and became infected with MRSA, the flu, getting my wisdom teeth out, having the worst ulcerative colitis flare up I’ve ever had, plus my second colonoscopy, a month-long dose of steroids, and a lot of other fun diagnoses), I think I’m understandably terrified of ever getting pregnant again. I don’t know if my body could take it. Many mothers may think this is crazy and you do what you need to do to bring children into this world, but not me. I’m afraid of what could happen, I’m afraid (especially with this potential diagnosis) of miscarriage, and I’m afraid of treatment. I’m afraid of going into massive debt to afford a treatment that probably won’t even work. That could destroy my body even further. Almost every issue I’ve had in the last year and a half has been issues that happen to less than 10% of people (I think the percentages are even smaller), so who’s to say the worst things wouldn’t happen again? I can’t take my chances.

But more than anything else, we just know that we are meant to take a different route. And I suppose we’ve always known.


So this is our road. We will not have any more biological children, but after long, deeply personal conversations, we feel so happy, thrilled and, quite honestly, lucky to be pursuing adoption. We can’t wait to one day (most likely in several years) grow our family by one more.

We can’t wait to bring a child into our home who we could never make on our own. A child special in so many ways, and we can’t wait to meet them. We can’t wait to share this with Isla.


We already have several ideas of what type of adoption we want to pursue (something we’ve thought about, oddly enough, for years now), but that’s a post for another day. Until that day comes, we feel so grateful that we’ve been led down this road and have been able to make this decision, and we are so glad to have so many amazing, supportive loved ones by our side.


Filed under Adoption, Parenting, Personal, Pregnancy