I can’t tell you how many times in the past I’ve begged for things — forgiveness from those I’ve wronged, love and affection from those who didn’t want to give it, and second chances when I’ve really made a mistake. Sometimes when I think of the past I’m reminded of the quote about Egyptians having fifty words for sand and Eskimos having a hundred words for snow and I think of all the words I’ve used to say I’m sorry or convince someone to stay. Even at 25, I’m practically an expert on words and apologies. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m the first person to admit when I’ve royally fucked something up or when I’ve let people down. That being said, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past six months, it’s when to stop begging. To stop talking. To stop caring if someone has read my Facebook message trying to rekindle what’s broken, and to stop worrying about mending the past.
But it hasn’t come easy, and it will likely come with a price.
When I find myself in the midst of heartache, I have a tendency to look back and think the relationship or situation, quite frankly, to death. I overanalyze every word, every moment, every song that played on the radio during the week it all went down. Whether with high school flames or ex-friends, it doesn’t make a difference. I think so deeply that I wind up hoping I can change it — change their opinion, change their heart, change their mind. I can deal with confrontation, but I have a really hard time with the finality that the end of a friendship or relationship brings. When I take action, it usually comes in the written form, mostly because I’m best on paper. And that written word ends up romanticizing the situation after I’ve thought about it endlessly, and before I know it, I’m begging for forgiveness and offering up my services. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes.
But in just the past few months, I’ve finally realized how ridiculous that all is.
Because sometimes it isn’t my fault.
Sometimes I gain more from the end of the friendship than I did from the friendship itself.
Sometimes I need to realize that if they wanted to be around, they would be.
Sometimes there’s nothing to apologize for.
With all of these things — love, affection, forgiveness, and second chances — people give them if they want to, not because you asked, and definitely not because you begged. When someone wants you in their life, they make the effort to be a part of yours.
And if they don’t? Even if you’ve begged and pleaded, apologized, hoped, and prayed…well, sometimes we just need to learn how to say fuck it.
If someone wants to love you, show you affection, accept your apology or make one themselves, or give or ask for a second chance, they will. And if they don’t, put one foot in front of the other and make an effort in your friendships that actually matter.